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Movie Review: BUG

THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS

Let me first begin with my internal conflict. I absolutely hate when a preview gives too much away...The movie Perfect Stranger with Bruce Willis and Halle Berry...not going to see it. I saw it in trailer form BEFORE I saw Fracture. It showed enough for me to figure out most of the movie.

On the flip side, if a movie trailer doesn't give enough away you can get caught in a situation like I was several years ago with The Thin Red Line. I thought that I was going to see a war movie and instead saw the most boring piece of crap ever.

Well, now it seems like there is an amazing THIRD side to this tale. A movie trailer that shows you one thing and delivers something completely different. I got the first taste of this with the movie Hostel. They promised a gruesome gore-filled horror movie...they delivered a soft core porn with a touch of blood.

Well, add to that mislead the movie BUG. What I thought I was going to see was a horror flick about a couple of people that get infected with some sort of bug that lurks just below the skin and makes you want to tear your epidermis from the rest of your flesh.

What they delivered was an over-written, drama-filled gab fest with not one single scary moment. The movie was layer upon layer of dialogue with nothing ever being said.

Now, let me ruin the movie for those of you who aren't planning on seeing it...if you are planning on seeing it either stop reading here and go see for yourself or keep reading ahead and just give me 8.50 for saving you the time.

How do I say this without offending everyone...Ashley Judd is a quasi-lesbo, white trash, bar-tender who has been married to a horrible man, had a child with said horrible man, and now lives alone counting down the days before this terrible man is released from prison.

I call her a quasi-lesbo because her best friend is a lesbian she and Ashley Judd seem a little closer than they should be. However, it is cleared up early on that the friend has a lover and they are adopting a child. Ashley appears to just be a homely looking whoremonger.

I call her white trash because she lives in a run down motel-apartment in the middle of nowhere. Kinda looked like the place Luke Wilson stayed in Vacancy.

So, lesbian friend introduces Ashley to a new man. This dude is a FREAK. Weird and anti-social with some very serious mental issues. The kind of guy we all avoid on the street. And before long he and Ashley are doing the nasty.

Well, lets see. The first 45 minutes we hear no mention of bugs. Plenty of talking...no mention of bugs.

So the two have finished their business and the lights are off and suddenly Freak dude jumps out of bed and screams that he's been bitten. More talking. And More Talking. ZZZZZZZ.

Eventually we get into the freak dude's back story. He's ex military and we was injected with some soft of virus that lives in his blood. And he went AWOL. Immediately I say to myself, this dude is a paranoid psychotic.

So the movie wears on and the dude sees more bugs...we don't see them, mind you. And Then Ashley see bugs. And then they begin ripping each other's skin off and talking about it. And Then they pull teeth out and they talk about that. And then they wrap the whole house in bug traps and talk about that. And finally they cover the walls with foil to stop the spread of the bugs to others and the keep the bug's transmissions from reaching outerspace.

And finally Ashley Judd comes to the realization that she is THE SUPER MOTHER BUG. So she talks about being the super mother bug. And she screams about it. And then she stands up on the bed, arms stretched out and declares herself the SUPER MOTHER BUG...And so they pour gas on one another and light matches and the movie ends.

I shit you not, this movie was so terrible that I can't do anything but ruin for others in an attempt to keep it from making any more money. And the scaries part of all...60 percent of all critics liked it. WHAT!!!

MOVIE GRADE: F