What about sanity is so great?

I have this unusual need to play it safe. Like for example, I know not to take a stroll down Summer Avenue near Tillman after dark. It's not safe for a nice boy like me! I know that there are inherent dangers looming behind the darkness and I don't want to be robbed, shot, kidnapped, or killed. My sanity allows me to make choices like staying home or waiting until morning to walk through those parts of town. It is an ability that I guess I take for granted...at the same time, is my sanity as much a curse as it is a treasure?
See, I find myself playing it safe way too often. This is an on-going struggle within myself and no matter which side wins, safety or risk, I know that it is only one small battle in a life long war taking place in my brain. If I chose to take a risk today, I will likely chose to play it safe the next ten times.
I am beginning to feel like I am making choices today that are shaping the rest of my life. I get the sensation that with every safe play I make I am digging up a shovel full of dirt. And another. And another. And eventually I am going to be standing in a hole so deep from playing it safe that I will never be able to get out of it.
Maybe this is not a new idea to most of you, I'm not sure. It is something that I have been struggling with for several years, but more so than ever in the past few months.
Monday I was talking with my dad and he told me that it looks like I might need to start saving for a new roof. Well, I am a long ways from having enough money saved up to buy a new roof on my house. So I told him that I was thinking about putting my house back on the market. He bounced back and forth with the pros and cons, but never really picked one side or the other. My grandmother who was there with us thought that selling the house was the best idea ever, but her input is not that highly valued as she rarely knows what we are talking about in the first place. All she could think about was how horrible it is that I now have "mexicans and ni**ers" living next to me.
When my dad and I were done talking I was more confused than ever. Should I sell my house or not? It's not like I am selling it to get out of Memphis as most of my job opportunities in other parts of the country seem to be fading away. But by selling it I am free to come and go as I please. As a renter I would also gain the freedom of knowing that if a new roof is needed, hey, I don't have to pay for it.
I digress...the point is, the house that I own is a great excuse for me to still be stuck in Memphis. As long as I have it, I can't really leave. At the same time the house is a bit of a burden and if I sold it in the near future it is unlikely that I would actually leave all of my friends and family behind anyway. (But with that logic isn't it smarter to just keep the house??? Geez, I am just confusing myself more.)
I think a lot of my worries are stemming from my need to drastically change my life every couple of years. I get into this mood every so often where I am tired of complacent living and I do something drastic to shake things up and then I am happy for a while longer.
Maybe I should simply count my blessings. I have a great roomie. I have a pretty decent job and I can still afford all of my bills. I have great friends and a supportive family. Could the fact that I have things so good and I am obviously trying to sabatoge myself be a sign that I am not quite as sane as I have given myself credit for? Hmmmm.

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